anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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