just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
