My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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