I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
