I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
