i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
