my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
