saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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