Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
