Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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