the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
