just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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