I am puke
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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