Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
