Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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