he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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