last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The uberlube is also flammable
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
