How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
