3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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