No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
