And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize