I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
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