I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
