Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
