I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
