I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
