so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
