someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
