he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
