Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
