Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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