Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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