How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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