He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
