I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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