the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
