Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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