Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
