Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
