Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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