May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
