I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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