Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
