The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Well I just put wine in my tea
Randomize
