Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
