You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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