The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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