i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
