did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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