Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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