she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Someone stole a lamp last night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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