I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is my gift to your gina
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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