you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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