some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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