He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
