Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
