I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
