Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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